In my working life I have
experienced two deeply horrible days. Today is one of them. When three people
out of eight return for the second day of my workshop in Beechworth last week,
I know the shit will hit the fan and fly spectacularly and mostly in my
direction.
Of all the states, we in
Victoria are seen to have a chequered MM history, none of which is my fault.
But management are touchy as buggery about things not going well here. And
they’ve created a rod for their backs—me. The decision to appoint someone
part-time is a big mistake.
In my previous job I had three
days a week to service a dozen mentoring programs in one region. With MM I have
three days to service every secondary college in three regions. And I’m
expected to master 16 days of professional development workshops to boot.
I’m still not sure why five
people opt out last Friday. I don’t believe it is all about me. But the
national manager clearly thinks it is all about me. My cause is not helped by
being impolitic and a bit eccentric. It can be a boon, but at times like this
it’s a lead saddle.
Comrade S works full-time. She
works bloody hard, does many of the things I don’t have time to do, won’t do
because I find them irksome. Early on we are solid, talk a lot, but I’m sure
she’s decided I’m too needy, is distancing herself from me. Today I bemoan the
fact that we three co-workers in Victoria are losing the togetherness we had.
She flips back that that suits her.
During the day I work though
thirty or forty emails I’ve had no time to consider. One contains my
performance appraisal document. I have to fill it out asap. Some of the language
on it is foreign to me. It serves only to heighten my fears, play into my
distress.
Every thought screams at me
that I’m not good enough, not up to this job, and worse, not up to any job,
that I’ve fucked up, big time. No amount of good self-talk is going to do me
any good today. It’s my nature, the self-doubt, the lack of confidence—been
there since day one, as a little boy. I’m needy all right: I need constant
stroking, wilt at the slightest slap.
I’ve had a big slap today. The
dream job has become a nightmare. And I feel sick to the core.
Rock on.
1 comment:
It may not be as bad as you think, things tend to magnify when you are low. I have had a similar couple of days and my spirits are low as I wonder what others are thinking. Your situ is more acute because of the $ factor but I do understand. Even if worst case, at least you had a go. And we are richer, wiser for all the problems of life that come continuously, even when we fail, as we grow in mind in spirit by embracing the problems not denying. You probably say all that stuff in your presentations. I've been reading about it in 'The Road Less Travelled' by M Scott Peck. I've only just started it but it's grabbing me.
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