23 October 2012

ana

Ana Radidovich is a Russian Jew come to Australia to teach the Hoffmann Process. According to the Hoffman Process website it’s an intensive eight-day residential retreat at Byron Bay—where-else?—that reduces self-defeating behaviours, allowing access previously untapped resources of inner strength, self-awareness, compassion and love. New Agey bullshit.

Highly trained and experienced psychotherapists guide acolytes through the process. Ana Radidovich is one of them but in order to stay in Australia when her visa expires she needs a husband.

It's 2000 and I'm 48 when a former lover, Ruth, rings me at work out of the blue. We’ve lost contact but she’s found me courtesy of the interweb and a newsletter I publish as part of my job. She asks if I’d consider marrying Ana Radidovich for ten thousand dollars. It’s a lot of money to a man of meagre means.

A meeting is arranged. Ruth arrives at my door at 11am, sunny morning, Ana Radidovich with her. I shake Ana’s hand, a beautiful silky hand whose tactile quality is like none I’ve felt before. Although she grips my hand, her handshake is more like a caress. She has black hair, come-hither eyes and a voice to charm the spots off a toadstool.

Marrying this woman seems eminently sensible to me immediately.

We sit at my dining table and Ana and I parlay the terms of the possible marital arrangement right down to who has what in whose wardrobe and for how long. For $10k I have to be prepared to perjure myself by telling the Immigration Department, should they ask, that our marriage is a genuine and wonderful thing.

Ruth, who says nothing during the meeting, rings me next day, tells me she never witnessed anything like it in her life, the strange mixture of practical directness imbued with genuine warmth for each other.

Over the next week I learn from a number of sources that these visa-marriages are quite common; that the going rate is about $27k. I ring Ruth, tell her I can’t marry Ana. I’m relieved, but not because my principles would have been compromised. It’s all about the risk, the legal risk.

On the other hand I learn that every man has his price, and mine is the going rate. For $27k I’d’ve been in like Flynn.

Rock on.

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