01 August 2012

lament

In past months I’ve stopped feeling like a cyclist. I identify with the bike but ride less and less. It depresses me; legs with nothing in them, burgeoning girth, less capable lungs and heart.   

Like the onset of mental illness, it’s been developing for a long time. It begins in September 2007 when I buy the Jazz after six months without a car. Part of the rationale is the ability to transport bicycles to country start points to diversify ride scenery. An unexpected move to Bendigo four months later does that anyway.

The car gets me to central Victoria then gathers bird poop, sap and twigs from the street elms overhead. I pedal two minutes to work, four to the supermarket, five to the gym. On balmy evenings and weekends I pump it out to Raywood, Kamarooka, Sutton Grange, the Whipstick, Maldon and Fogarty’s Gap.

Back in Melbourne I hate riding in traffic, opt for the car. My new job cuts out daily trips to buy food: several days’ foodage doesn’t fit in a cyclist’s backpack. Long journeys to Collingwood through winter eliminate recreational midweek rides. The commute by bike is curtailed by circuitous off-road trails, back-breaking baggage, odd hours, no daily or weekly routine.

A bleak chill winter, record monthly rainfalls, rotten weekends, does not help. Daily blog posts encroach on ride time. Adding an animal to the house complicates riding arrangements. Fickle companions muck up ride agendas.

Training for an event—Round the Bay, France—has got me out regularly in the past. I have no event to aspire to. France 2013 is only a maybe, the challenge of circumnavigating the bay no longer an interest. Charity rides abound but free weekends are scarce. 

So it comes to this: I don’t feel like a cyclist any more. I don’t know what I feel instead. Frustration. Loss. Disappointment. I know part of this is my fault: I’ve forsaken opportunities to ride, given other tasks, events, pleasures priority. Every time I get out there I wonder why I don’t get out more often.

Is it a case of reasons or excuses, or both?

Rock on. 

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