12 January 2012

seminar

The letter from Centrelink informs me that I have a ‘virtual seminar’ at 2pm today with a Senior Customer Services Adviser. A virtual seminar is a telephone call. (How many people will be on the line?) The letter tells me I can request an interpreter. It also says that this is a voluntary ‘program’—it never names the program—and I’m under no obligation to attend. Attend a telephone call?

The appointment is made nine days ago and I am advised to have my phone fully charged. I’m ready. Two o’clock passes, then two ten, two twenty, half past, and two forty-five. I stop waiting and move on to other things.

At 2:57 my mobile buzzes. A very young woman at the other end invites me to answer some questions. Is this the ‘program’? I tell her I have been ready to answer questions since 2pm and she tells me that they call any time “within the hour”, the hour being two till three. My hoped-for belief in Centrelink’s user-friendliness since I last dealt with them in 1998 shatters.

I answer the questions about who I am and what assets I have. The questions aren’t funny but I find myself laughing. Do I have over $500,000 invested in anything? No. (I laugh.) How much do I have in my bank account? I have two accounts, one with about $400 and the other about $100. These are my assets. No, I don’t own any boats, shares or securities, and so on.

I am never invited to ask the questions I have, but I butt in and ask them anyway. Would sacrificing some of my superannuation to have a small transition-to-retirement pension affect the meagre income support Centrelink provides? Yes; I can earn $60 before I lose income support incrementally.

I ask about the irregular earnings of my one-person writing and editing business. I ask about receiving Newstart allowance for doing voluntary work in lieu of actually seeking paid employment. The young woman gives me no definitive answers to these questions. All will be revealed by the employment agency, she assures me.
   
Two further appointments are made, one with said employment agency and another with Centrelink. I will need to provide proof of my identity, my assets or lack of, bank statements, and a résumé. I put the appointments in my Google diary. Without consciously considering my situation one thing is obvious: I cannot afford to do voluntary work and not have some sort of job.

Rock on.

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